i'll just enjoy

i was cleaning out my room a couple days ago of all the boxes and things that have accumulated over the years of hoarding. i found the journals i kept throughout high school. it makes me laugh, the things that i wrote about. how concerned i was about everyone around me. in ways that made me give too much of myself and ways that made me who i am today. i wrote about the worst of the worst and the stupidest shit, all of it apocalyptic. but if i thought i knew the extent of emotion at 16, i have been thoroughly tested by 22. 

the time seems so short when you do the math, only 6 years, and arguably insignificant in the grand scale of some abstract future. but i don’t know why it feels like ages. maybe because during those years, everything feels like the end of the world. 

this year alone has been exhausting, to say the least. i have been stretched thin, put back together, overwhelmed, and come back stronger more times than i can count within a relatively short period of time. and i know that the lows are always followed by highs and vice versa. that it is in our nature to go through hardship, and if we take the time to find the lesson then we will be better for it. 

me personally? i’m tired of looking for the life lessons. i think a lot of people tend to glorify suffering, but more romanticize healing. we talk about self-care, growth, therapy, closure (all of which are good things in moderation). and the new shiny versions of ourselves afterwards. i’m definitely guilty of falling for the appeal only to realize that there is no “afterwards”. there is no end to healing and it’s really easy to get overwhelmed by the constant work to get better. 

even at 22, i still feel apocalyptic sometimes. even after the years of therapy, years of practicing all the things i learned. even after all the time i spent becoming a better version of myself, sometimes i still want to throw my hands up and scream “then what the fuck was it all for?!” before collapsing in a melodramatic heap on the floor. there will never be a point in this life where we are “done” healing, where we’ve learned all the life lessons. 

so for now, i think instead of relishing in my own suffering like tumblr told me to when i was in high school or excessively romanticizing healing like everyone else on the internet wants to do. i think i’ll just do what works for me. the lessons will come, inevitably i guess. but i no longer feel as if i need to brace myself in constant survival mode, always on the lookout for the worst. i think i’ve earned a deep breath. i think i’ve earned a bit of trust in myself to face the tests as they come. 

for once, i'm not going to go into the new year with a mindset or intentions that imply completely reinventing who i am, but just continuing to invest in the best parts. i'll just enjoy my existence as is. i want to practice slowing down because it doesn’t come easy. i want to continue being my own best advocate and pouring love into people that give the same. i want to practice keeping my life private and the best parts even quieter. 

this year especially, i have spent so much time trying to set myself up for success for some future version of myself. well, this is the future version of myself. i’m living the life i hustled for. so i better enjoy it right? i know how hard i’ve worked for the things i’ve accomplished and i am so proud of myself. i am eternally grateful for the opportunities i’ve had this year to truly push my independence, my confidence, and my faith. 2022 was full of things that i never, ever thought would be mine to experience. things that i prayed for over and over again.