Kindness is cyclical

I used to say that you could never pay me to go back to high school, to live my life according to a bell schedule and surrounded by cliques, raging hormones, and the feeling that EVERYONE is ALWAYS judging your every move. I guess I can be bought.

I’m kidding. Every single educator will tell you that it’s not the money. Almost every one of them will tell you that the education system is broken, that it’s not sustainable, and kids are suffering because of it. But the best teachers never take those frustrations out on the kids and will do everything in their power to make sure their students succeed in spite of that broken system. Such a selfless and noble sentiment right? 

As I finish my first year of teaching, I’ll tell you that teaching is the most selfish yet grounding thing I’ve done. Let me explain. 

Like I said, I never thought I would be back in high school and I never saw myself as a teacher. Being a teacher was supposed to be somewhat of a side quest with a sprinkle of experience that would maybe benefit my future career goals. In short, I was stalling. Post-grad is a scary thing, so this was a way to give myself time. See? Selfish. 

However, I’m not entirely naive and I knew before going in that the education system is no joke. Working with kids is no joke. But I’m nothing if not stubborn and when I set my mind to something, it’s going to get done. I pushed forward with teaching and specifically chose to work with 11th and 12th graders. I made a promise to myself that if I was going to willingly go back to high school, a place so metaphorically close to one of the loneliest and most terrifying periods of my life, that I would do everything in my power to make that time a little less scary for someone else. Slightly less selfish!

The ages 16-18 were some of the most transformative and memorable years of my life. I remember the feelings so vividly. Some of them are documented right here on this blog, most of them fill the pages of several journals that I’m scared to open, and the rest are immortalized in Snapchat (for better or for worse lol). It’s strangely dystopian to see the memories play out on my phone’s photo album flashbacks and in real time as I went through the year with my students. I cringed almost every day at something they do or say, but then immediately get checked by my own ridiculously embarassing Snapchat memory. 

Speaking of memories, as I write this - it will have been five years to the day since I graduated high school. 
The past few weeks have been so surreal, especially with all my seniors. I remember the weeks leading up to graduation, so excited to grow up and deathly afraid at the same time. Not only will the piece of paper handed to me when I walk across the stage mean the last 12 years were worth something, but it signifies a milestone of growing up. But no one gets an award for all the other things that force us to grow up faster than we might be comfortable with. Your first heartbreak. When your friend stops being your friend, sometimes without explanation. Being kicked out of your home. The first time you fail at something, then the second and the third and the fourth. When you realize your parents aren’t perfect, that they are capable of hurting you even when they love you with their whole entire soul. The death of a loved one. 

Being around my students for 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, for 9 months, constantly reminded me that despite wanting to be treated like an adult, they really are just big kids learning to deal with even bigger emotions. And some of them are forced to grow up faster than they are comfortable with. 

I’m reminded of myself at that age, always so terrified of never being enough and somehow also too much at the same time. As I extended the empathy, guidance, and love I wish I had for myself at their age, I could feel tiny pieces of my heart slowly stitching back together. They have taught me that every act of kindness is cyclical with time. It will come back to you in ways that you never could have imagined, in little post it notes left on your desk, or years down the line when you’ve forgotten about it. 

But I could never forget the kindness shown to me when I thought my world was ending, when I wanted my world to end. Kindness from my family, my friends, and my teachers has allowed me to be here today to repay the favor. They gave me strength when I didn’t have any. And now I get to tell my own students, when they think their world is ending or they want their world to end, that there is MORE. There is more strength in their heart to do hard things than they might think. I get to tell them that life is BETTER because they are here. It has been such a blessing to know them and to be a small part of their beautiful lives. 

And then you’re telling me I just have to say GOOD-BYE?! I didn’t think that part through when I signed up for this…

As I got chased across a soccer field with buckets full of water, as we signed yearbooks and said “have a great summer”, as my students walked across the stage while I cheered so loud, I thank God that I lived to experience this. My students seem so old and so young at the same time. I feel so old and so young at the same time. Growing up is funny in that way. It never feels finished.