an unspoken agreement of love
toss me on a small island country with 46 twenty-something-year-olds that i’ve never met and it might be tempting to invent a whole new personality. to construct someone brand new, with no burdens, no flaws, and no complicated histories. we can be whoever we want to be. no one would ever know what kind of ugly things it took to shape the person standing in front of you. isn’t that the dream?
well, it used to be mine.
back when i couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without wishing i was anyone else, with any other life or none at all. and i used to remember those years, that version of myself, with so much shame and hate. now it just makes me sad that i was so hard on myself. now, when i look back with pride and gratitude for how far i’ve come, all i want to do is hug that girl and thank her for holding on. it is because of her strength that i am writing to you all these years later.
so even though i had the chance to try on a new persona for a few weeks, i didn’t want to. i’m at a point in my life where being unapologetic about who i am comes more naturally and i want to revel in that feeling.
for much of life, making friends is almost a desperate attempt to find your people and your places. you’ll take anything you can get, sacrifice almost any value, just so that you don’t feel alone. sometimes you get really (really) lucky and your first few attempts end up being life-long. more often, friends come and go. but as people enter my life, whether they leave painfully quickly or stay for a long time, they each carve out a version of myself that holds my values, passions, and boundaries just a little tighter. someone who stands up straighter, loves harder, and forgives easier.
someone asked me if studying abroad was a “life-changing” experience. at first, my answer was no. moving to a new country was enough change as it is. my goal was to stay as grounded as possible after such a long period of intense anxiety. going into this whole thing, i didn’t want it to be anywhere near as dramatic as “life-changing” sounds. and to be honest, my life in Singapore wasn’t vastly different than how it would be back home. we commuted to work. we went out to eat. we had homework. we went out on the weekends. we got COVID lol. and we did it all over again.
but as i’ve said goodbye to the people i have grown so close to in the past few weeks, who have shown so much love and care to the version of myself that i am right now, i know that my life is not the same. because meeting the right friends CAN change your life. it’s not always in a way that fundamentally alters who you are as a person. sometimes the best friends are the ones who simply highlight who you are at your core and make it shine a little brighter. the ones who make doing the most mundane things a little less mundane.
so even though i had the chance to try on a new persona for a few weeks, i didn’t want to. i’m at a point in my life where being unapologetic about who i am comes more naturally and i want to revel in that feeling.
for much of life, making friends is almost a desperate attempt to find your people and your places. you’ll take anything you can get, sacrifice almost any value, just so that you don’t feel alone. sometimes you get really (really) lucky and your first few attempts end up being life-long. more often, friends come and go. but as people enter my life, whether they leave painfully quickly or stay for a long time, they each carve out a version of myself that holds my values, passions, and boundaries just a little tighter. someone who stands up straighter, loves harder, and forgives easier.
someone asked me if studying abroad was a “life-changing” experience. at first, my answer was no. moving to a new country was enough change as it is. my goal was to stay as grounded as possible after such a long period of intense anxiety. going into this whole thing, i didn’t want it to be anywhere near as dramatic as “life-changing” sounds. and to be honest, my life in Singapore wasn’t vastly different than how it would be back home. we commuted to work. we went out to eat. we had homework. we went out on the weekends. we got COVID lol. and we did it all over again.
but as i’ve said goodbye to the people i have grown so close to in the past few weeks, who have shown so much love and care to the version of myself that i am right now, i know that my life is not the same. because meeting the right friends CAN change your life. it’s not always in a way that fundamentally alters who you are as a person. sometimes the best friends are the ones who simply highlight who you are at your core and make it shine a little brighter. the ones who make doing the most mundane things a little less mundane.
so as for who i am on the other side of the (Fort Canning) tunnel, i think she’s more or less the same in the best way possible. she just has more people in her life to remind her of who that is.
(and an excuse to finally do my dream Pacific Coast Highway roadtrip)
“Friendship is the most underrated relationship in our lives. It remains the one relation not bound by law, blood, or money — but an unspoken agreement of love” — Hanya Yanagihara
(and an excuse to finally do my dream Pacific Coast Highway roadtrip)
“Friendship is the most underrated relationship in our lives. It remains the one relation not bound by law, blood, or money — but an unspoken agreement of love” — Hanya Yanagihara
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