sweet girl, what have you learned of love?

sweet girl, what have you learned of love?

i’ve spent my entire life wishing others knew me better. but not once during those twenty years did i wish to know myself. 

i craved a soulmate in the sense that i never have to explain my pain, my joy, my passions, my depression, or my fears. that when i tell them about my favorite summers, they know what each one means to me. and how the beach is my happy place. and how i used to want to be a national geographic photographer. 

that when i tell them how happy i am now - what a beautiful day it is - they know how important that is coming from a girl who didn’t want to live anymore at 15. that my loneliness isn’t just a fear of missing out, but a fear of being left behind. that i love with all i have because i’m afraid that if i don’t, i’ll never be worth that love in return. 

for as long as i can remember, i have been searching for that soulmate in everyone around me. pouring everything i have into these relationships because i somehow believed that i could create my own soulmate if i tried hard enough. maybe if invested enough time into someone, a group of people, that eventually they will do the same. 

this entire time, i was looking for someone to shoulder everything that makes me ~me~ (something that i thought was a burden) because i was too afraid to be alone with myself. 

i refused to look inward or be alone for too long because i didn’t like what i saw. i don’t like the selfishness, the sins, the mistakes, the insecurities. and i was convinced that my soulmate, whether they be a friend or a lover, that that person would one day validate me. one day someone would heal me enough so that when i look inwards, my first thought is not to speak harshly to myself or to shut down. 

but recently, i’ve spent a lot of time alone. at first, it wasn’t my choice. but the more time that passes, the more times God shows me that i am never ~truly~ alone, a tiny part of me heals. 

it’s taken me a long time to recognize that i am the accumulation of all my hardships, the ones that i’m working through and the ones that i’ve overcome. i’m full of good and bad memories that make me who i am. i’m slowly relearning a love for my physical body and all the strength that it provides. my heart for all that it withstands and stands for. i’m reminding myself that everything that i am is ~always~ worthy of love. from myself and from others. 

and most importantly, before i ever come to love my soulmate, before my soulmate ever comes to love me - i have to truly believe all of those things. 

and that’s because as i come to realize my own worth and the beauty of my own company, the people who i allow to enter my life do so too. 

if i can turn even a fraction of the love i have for the people closest to me inwards towards myself, i would be happier. i can be happier. and i will be happier. 

i believe we have multiple soulmates, not all of them are romantic. but every single one shapes you into a better version of yourself. even if they don’t stay in your life forever. 

they are the people who see you at certain points in your growth (because we never stop growing) and say “i’m going to be here for you through this. i see you, i hear you, and i don’t love you any less”. 

sweet girl, 

the love you turn outwards will only hurt you

if you have not yet given it to 

yourself 

first