Too Tired To Be Angry, But I Am Not Hopeless

Friday, March 15th, 2019.

A terrorist entered a masjid in New Zealand during Friday prayers fully armed with the intention to kill. He was greeted by Daoud Nabi who looked the terrorist in the eye and said "Salam, brother", "Peace be upon you, brother", and received three bullets in return. The terrorist continued to open fire, live-streaming the whole thing, killing 49 people and injuring dozens more. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, sisters, brothers, friends, and children were brutally and inexcusably murdered by a terrorist.

May their souls rest in peace and enter paradise, ameen. 

Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Ilayhi Rajioun. To Him We Belong and To Him We Return. 

I thought by giving myself a day to process all of this that it would make it easier to write about, but I was wrong. It doesn't get easier. It doesn't get easier waking up to headlines like this, knowing that there are people out there willing to KILL me and the ones I love because they are afraid of and/or hate what they don't understand. I want to be furious at people like the Senator from Queensland that issued a statement victim-blaming Muslims for what happened, going as far as to use Christianity to justify the blame, further propagating the rhetoric that results in Islamophobia in the first place.  I want to be absolutely livid that the ratio of of people who write news stories, tweet, post, or offer condolences and prayers when it comes to Muslim lives lost (whether it be in China, Syria, Yemen, Palestine, Kashmir, Myanmar, New Zealand, or America) is always significantly smaller than when non-Muslim lives are lost.

But my heart is too tired to be angry. 

The masjid is supposed to be a place of worship, happiness, refuge, peace, and love. What more do Muslims have to do to prove that Islam as a religion is worship, happiness, refuge, peace, and love? I truly don't know. However, I can tell you what I do know- I will never stop being unapologetically Muslim. I am Muslim before I am anything else. Sometimes I think I fake it so well, the fearless confidence, that people just assume that I'm not phased by anything. It's not true. There is no hiding who and what I am and sometimes that's scary, but I only fear God and more importantly, I trust Him. My faith teaches me to respond with love and to lead by example, so that is what I will try my best to do.

This masjid has been my second home since I was 6 years old.
This is where I go when I'm happy, sad, lost, and grateful.
I pray that whoever steps foot in these walls will always be safe here. 

My heart is too tired to be angry, but I am not hopeless. I am not hopeless because 1) "Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (13:28)" and 2) I received messages like this one -

Your soul is inspiring and uplifting and I pray you receive nothing but the best in life.
Your words mean more than you know.

Keep in mind, I have never met this girl in my life. But she had the kindness in her heart to send me this. THIS gives me hope. THIS proves that in times of tragedy, not all is lost and there are still people who love and support each other regardless of faith or ideology. There are more people like this girl in the world than there are people like the New Zealand terrorist, remember that. Find those people and lean on them and we will overcome this. 

Time and time again, Muslims do all we can to prove our worth and well-intentions for humanity. We are raised knowing that one wrong move means ten strikes against us, so we try our hardest to be the best version of ourselves. God knows we try. 

But I'm begging Muslims and non-Muslims alike-
To love and protect each other harder, it's the only productive response to hatred, fear, and ignorance.
To learn more about one another, we shouldn't merely just coexist, we should thrive.
To pray for everyone sincerely, from your worst enemy to your soulmate and for the souls lost in New Zealand.

Love Always, Hana.