Hana Means Contentment
Lately, I've been the most at peace that I've been in a very, very long time. And I'm not sure when I realized that I was at peace, more importantly, how I got to this place (also, why it took so damn long). But I've decided that writing about it might be the best way to figure it out.
There's also something that took me almost 18 years to learn (and something that I'm still working on), that my parents love me even when we disagree. Both to my success and my failure, my mom and my dad have gifted me with their stubborn streak and conviction. It took some blood, sweat, and tears to build the relationship I have with my parents now. And recently, there are two big things that made me realize that, although not perfect yet, things were starting to change for the better:
1) I took my mom to see a movie with me last weekend. Initially, it was because I didn't want to see it alone. But now I think I'm going to make it a regular thing. As I get older, my relationship with my mom gets better. We get better at communicating and knowing when the other needs space or love. I'm less scared to share things with her and I think she feels the same way. After the movie, we sat in the car for almost an hour, parked in our driveway, just talking. Gossiping about family drama and a fair share of life advice. It was really special. I don't know how to explain it. But I just know that I wish I had recorded it or was able to have some record other than my own memory of that night. I never want to forget it because that was the night I took another step closer to my mom, and in turn happiness.
2) On my 18th birthday, my dad gave me an envelope before he left for work and told me to open it later. My dad and I have never really had the type of relationship where we share personal sentiments one-on-one, (and I won't go into specifics because that's a little to personal for the internet), but it's caused a rift over the years. Something neither of us did much to fix. But I think the weight of the fact that I'm leaving for college soon made both of us realize that it was something that needed to be addressed before it was too late. Inside the envelope was a stack of papers, a few papers were stapled together and titled "Escape From Vietnam" while the rest was a letter addressed to "Hana, my dearest". Both are so close to my heart, but I will share a small portion of the letter because I truly believe that it's what most parents mean (but not all can bring themselves to say)...
"I love you very much! You are growing up too fast...Having you (and Adam) was the best thing that happened to me, aside from meeting your mama of course...I had to learn and try to be a "dad". It wasn't something I was taught and experienced. I screwed up a few times and I wish I could take some things back...Hana, you are very smart, self-confident and independent. I am doing my very best as a father to raise you...You will always have a place at home. Always. Love, Dad"
For starters, I think the first step I took in the right direction (or at least the first one that I'm consciously aware of) was when I acknowledged that I was growing apart from people who I thought were my friends, and that that was perfectly okay. I wrote a whole other post about letting go, so I won't go into much more detail about it. But the point is, strained relationships had begun to make my heart incredibly heavy because I couldn't bear to admit that the relationships were indeed strained. Nothing was anyone's fault and I truly have no hard feelings, people just grow up. You either grow up and grow closer or you grow up and grow apart. Neither is inherently bad. Just remember, there is also such thing as growing up and reconnecting again when the time is right. Or growing up and meeting new people. But if you feel that you're being stretched too thin- again, it's perfectly okay to say so. And yet, I managed to sum up in one paragraph something that took me over a year to learn.
Here's another milestone: I got rejected from the university of my dreams. First of all, I'm not including this information to incite pity. I'm including this because what I thought would've crushed all remaining morale and hope that I had in reserves did quite the opposite. I'll admit, the day leading up to hearing the news was NOT PRETTY. At all. After hearing the news, I was definitely sad. But the thing is, I gave myself time to be sad. I let my mom hug me tight. I gave myself time to cry. I let myself be upset about all the work that I poured into this process and angry at the small amount of hope that I had let accumulate. And then I prayed. Nothing happened the way I would've wanted it to happen. But it happened the way He planned. I know that not everyone is religious or even believes in fate, but it makes it a little easier on my soul to trust God. For those that that doesn't apply to, I urge you to at least trust yourself. Trust that the work you put in may not get you what you initially wanted, but that work made you better. Recently and these next few months, seniors will be hearing back from colleges. Juniors are getting ready to apply to college. Sophomores are in for the worst year of high school ever. And freshmen are, well, still freshmen lol. Regardless if you are in high school or not, life is scary as hell. But that doesn't mean you should give up hope or stop working hard. Life may be scary as hell, but life is also beautiful.
Here's another milestone: I got rejected from the university of my dreams. First of all, I'm not including this information to incite pity. I'm including this because what I thought would've crushed all remaining morale and hope that I had in reserves did quite the opposite. I'll admit, the day leading up to hearing the news was NOT PRETTY. At all. After hearing the news, I was definitely sad. But the thing is, I gave myself time to be sad. I let my mom hug me tight. I gave myself time to cry. I let myself be upset about all the work that I poured into this process and angry at the small amount of hope that I had let accumulate. And then I prayed. Nothing happened the way I would've wanted it to happen. But it happened the way He planned. I know that not everyone is religious or even believes in fate, but it makes it a little easier on my soul to trust God. For those that that doesn't apply to, I urge you to at least trust yourself. Trust that the work you put in may not get you what you initially wanted, but that work made you better. Recently and these next few months, seniors will be hearing back from colleges. Juniors are getting ready to apply to college. Sophomores are in for the worst year of high school ever. And freshmen are, well, still freshmen lol. Regardless if you are in high school or not, life is scary as hell. But that doesn't mean you should give up hope or stop working hard. Life may be scary as hell, but life is also beautiful.
There's also something that took me almost 18 years to learn (and something that I'm still working on), that my parents love me even when we disagree. Both to my success and my failure, my mom and my dad have gifted me with their stubborn streak and conviction. It took some blood, sweat, and tears to build the relationship I have with my parents now. And recently, there are two big things that made me realize that, although not perfect yet, things were starting to change for the better:
1) I took my mom to see a movie with me last weekend. Initially, it was because I didn't want to see it alone. But now I think I'm going to make it a regular thing. As I get older, my relationship with my mom gets better. We get better at communicating and knowing when the other needs space or love. I'm less scared to share things with her and I think she feels the same way. After the movie, we sat in the car for almost an hour, parked in our driveway, just talking. Gossiping about family drama and a fair share of life advice. It was really special. I don't know how to explain it. But I just know that I wish I had recorded it or was able to have some record other than my own memory of that night. I never want to forget it because that was the night I took another step closer to my mom, and in turn happiness.
2) On my 18th birthday, my dad gave me an envelope before he left for work and told me to open it later. My dad and I have never really had the type of relationship where we share personal sentiments one-on-one, (and I won't go into specifics because that's a little to personal for the internet), but it's caused a rift over the years. Something neither of us did much to fix. But I think the weight of the fact that I'm leaving for college soon made both of us realize that it was something that needed to be addressed before it was too late. Inside the envelope was a stack of papers, a few papers were stapled together and titled "Escape From Vietnam" while the rest was a letter addressed to "Hana, my dearest". Both are so close to my heart, but I will share a small portion of the letter because I truly believe that it's what most parents mean (but not all can bring themselves to say)...
"I love you very much! You are growing up too fast...Having you (and Adam) was the best thing that happened to me, aside from meeting your mama of course...I had to learn and try to be a "dad". It wasn't something I was taught and experienced. I screwed up a few times and I wish I could take some things back...Hana, you are very smart, self-confident and independent. I am doing my very best as a father to raise you...You will always have a place at home. Always. Love, Dad"
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| To be completely honest, I haven't told my parents about my blog yet. Maybe sometime soon... |
Which brings me to this conclusion, life is something that can be taken away from us in an instant. And we definitely shouldn't wait for pressures like college, terminal illness, or years of not speaking to make us realize that we shouldn't take our lives or relationships with the people in our lives for granted. I asked people what they would do if they knew life was being taken away at the end of the week and here are some of the replies/most common ones...
"I think I would write letters to everyone about how much I love them (and also tell them)...because if it was the very end, I'd want to spend it with the people who make me feel happy and loved."
"If I knew I was gonna die this week, I'd do everything I'm scared to do right now...like going skydiving."
"I would drop everything and travel with the people I love!"
"A mile long line of coke" (disclaimer: I am not advocated drug use asksdgk;sd)
"I would make everything right with everyone I know, tell them I love them, and I would pray...pray a lot.
"I would try to strengthen my relationship with Allah SWT (God) and I would seek forgiveness."
And here is the one that struck me the most and drove home the point that I've been circling around for a while now -
"I would be as confident as I could be & love myself just the way I am so I could enjoy my last days without ridiculing myself for everything...Also, writing this out made me realize that these are things that I should already be doing in my everyday life, because we never know when our last day will be."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
So to sum it all up, I’ve been more aware of my mortality. Therefore, as important as it is, college/education/career are not the ONLY things that matter in life. However, hard work and hope go hand in hand. And I’ve accepted that relationships are continuous work and not all relationships work out, whether it’s friends or family.
My mom gave me a necklace with my name on it in Arabic for my 18th birthday. Hana means contentment. My parents have always told me that they wanted me to always be content, happy with what I have in life and not envious of others or doubtful of His plan. It’s taken me a while to truly appreciate that. But at this point in my life, I think wearing a necklace with my name on it finally means something tangible. I have worked hard and it hurt as much as it healed to get to this place. It's definitely still a work in progress. I haven't even lived a quarter of a century, but at the same time, we've established that life is fleeting, so being able to say I've made progress is good enough for me.
My heart is at peace for now. I am ready for what is planned for me. I am ready to give life my all. And I truly wish the same for you.
"I think I would write letters to everyone about how much I love them (and also tell them)...because if it was the very end, I'd want to spend it with the people who make me feel happy and loved."
"If I knew I was gonna die this week, I'd do everything I'm scared to do right now...like going skydiving."
"I would drop everything and travel with the people I love!"
"A mile long line of coke" (disclaimer: I am not advocated drug use asksdgk;sd)
"I would make everything right with everyone I know, tell them I love them, and I would pray...pray a lot.
"I would try to strengthen my relationship with Allah SWT (God) and I would seek forgiveness."
“Feeling that closeness to God before going back to Him. Waking up to pray, worship, read, supplicate, and learn till my last breath.”
"I would be as confident as I could be & love myself just the way I am so I could enjoy my last days without ridiculing myself for everything...Also, writing this out made me realize that these are things that I should already be doing in my everyday life, because we never know when our last day will be."
I couldn't have said it better myself.
So to sum it all up, I’ve been more aware of my mortality. Therefore, as important as it is, college/education/career are not the ONLY things that matter in life. However, hard work and hope go hand in hand. And I’ve accepted that relationships are continuous work and not all relationships work out, whether it’s friends or family.
My mom gave me a necklace with my name on it in Arabic for my 18th birthday. Hana means contentment. My parents have always told me that they wanted me to always be content, happy with what I have in life and not envious of others or doubtful of His plan. It’s taken me a while to truly appreciate that. But at this point in my life, I think wearing a necklace with my name on it finally means something tangible. I have worked hard and it hurt as much as it healed to get to this place. It's definitely still a work in progress. I haven't even lived a quarter of a century, but at the same time, we've established that life is fleeting, so being able to say I've made progress is good enough for me.
My heart is at peace for now. I am ready for what is planned for me. I am ready to give life my all. And I truly wish the same for you.
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| Here is me, being content. And also posing for a cute outfit picture, okay sue me. |
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