More Terrifying Than Any Horror Movie I Could Ever Watch
For the longest time, I wasn't a big fan of horror movies. I'm still not a big fan of them. They're terrifying don't get me wrong. But at the same time, when you watch them with friends, it's not so bad. You can bond over the mutual terror but also criticize or laugh at different parts of the movie. You're all in this together and ya'll can protect each other from the monster, the doll, or the psychopath killer.
But I'm still easily scared and I watched a horror movie this weekend. After the movie finished at like 1 am, I had to pee so bad. But when I opened the door to walk to the bathroom, everything was pitch black and I couldn't bring myself to take two steps. The hallway to the bathroom just seemed like this endless blackhole and I really didn't want to die that night. So I held it for another two hours. Eventually, my friend was like, "Do you want me to turn on the bathroom light for you?" and I nodded gratefully. She walked to the door, took a deep breath and sprinted to the bathroom and turned on the light for me. I felt like an idiot. The bathroom was like two feet away.
This whole month of October, I've wanted to write about something. I wanted to write something philosophical about turning 18 and being able to be legally tried for crimes as an adult. Or maybe write about something spooky about growing up. But all of October has been me being consumed by college applications. What's more spooky or philosophical than college apps? I haven't had time to really write about applying for college because I've been in the middle of all of it, but I finished.
And I think that's more terrifying than any horror movie I could ever watch.
I poured blood, sweat, and tears into filling out the application to the school of my dreams. The key word to that sentence being "dreams". It's not a dream anymore because the minute I press submit, the prospect of a (very expensive) rejection letter becomes very, very real. And the fact of the matter is that, as horrifying as this all is, there's no friend, no person on this Earth, who can shine a light on my future. Who can can protect me from the psychological damage that can come from pressing that submit button. Nobody can show me that it's going to be fine. But everyone is telling me that it's going to be fine.
I get three pieces of advice/types of comments when the topic of where I'm applying to comes up...
1) "Oh, really? So what's your safety school? I hope you have a safety school..."
2) "You'll definitely get in. They'd be crazy not to accept you"
3) "Don't worry. You've done all that you can. Wherever you end up is where you are meant to be"
The first thing is what I tell myself and what most people think but hardly ever say. The second is what almost everyone says because they don't want to hurt my feelings. And the third is what the people who know me best say and the one that I'm trying to come to terms with. That's why I'm sitting here writing this blog post instead of hitting submit on my Common App because I cannot bring myself to walk down that pitch dark hallway, not knowing what's in store.
Accepting that where I go to school does not single handedly determine what direction my future goes in is only a fraction of the difficulty. It's accepting that at this point in my life, eighteen years old, I have to be the one to sprint to the bathroom after a horror movie by myself, darkness and all.
Blindly stumbling our way throughout life, college being just a small part of that, is how we learn which monsters are real and which ones are just in our head. But just because you have to do something by yourself, doesn't mean you have to be alone.
College apps are actually pretty similar to horror movies (in case you haven't picked up on my overuse of this cheesy metaphor that I came up with) in the fact that they're easier with a good support system. And just like horror movies are beginning to grow on me, so is the idea that I'm one step closer to my dreams, that my dreams don't necessarily have to be a specific school, and that wherever I end up is where I'm meant to be.
How was that for spooky and philosophical?
But I'm still easily scared and I watched a horror movie this weekend. After the movie finished at like 1 am, I had to pee so bad. But when I opened the door to walk to the bathroom, everything was pitch black and I couldn't bring myself to take two steps. The hallway to the bathroom just seemed like this endless blackhole and I really didn't want to die that night. So I held it for another two hours. Eventually, my friend was like, "Do you want me to turn on the bathroom light for you?" and I nodded gratefully. She walked to the door, took a deep breath and sprinted to the bathroom and turned on the light for me. I felt like an idiot. The bathroom was like two feet away.
This whole month of October, I've wanted to write about something. I wanted to write something philosophical about turning 18 and being able to be legally tried for crimes as an adult. Or maybe write about something spooky about growing up. But all of October has been me being consumed by college applications. What's more spooky or philosophical than college apps? I haven't had time to really write about applying for college because I've been in the middle of all of it, but I finished.
And I think that's more terrifying than any horror movie I could ever watch.
I poured blood, sweat, and tears into filling out the application to the school of my dreams. The key word to that sentence being "dreams". It's not a dream anymore because the minute I press submit, the prospect of a (very expensive) rejection letter becomes very, very real. And the fact of the matter is that, as horrifying as this all is, there's no friend, no person on this Earth, who can shine a light on my future. Who can can protect me from the psychological damage that can come from pressing that submit button. Nobody can show me that it's going to be fine. But everyone is telling me that it's going to be fine.
I get three pieces of advice/types of comments when the topic of where I'm applying to comes up...
1) "Oh, really? So what's your safety school? I hope you have a safety school..."
2) "You'll definitely get in. They'd be crazy not to accept you"
3) "Don't worry. You've done all that you can. Wherever you end up is where you are meant to be"
The first thing is what I tell myself and what most people think but hardly ever say. The second is what almost everyone says because they don't want to hurt my feelings. And the third is what the people who know me best say and the one that I'm trying to come to terms with. That's why I'm sitting here writing this blog post instead of hitting submit on my Common App because I cannot bring myself to walk down that pitch dark hallway, not knowing what's in store.
Accepting that where I go to school does not single handedly determine what direction my future goes in is only a fraction of the difficulty. It's accepting that at this point in my life, eighteen years old, I have to be the one to sprint to the bathroom after a horror movie by myself, darkness and all.
Blindly stumbling our way throughout life, college being just a small part of that, is how we learn which monsters are real and which ones are just in our head. But just because you have to do something by yourself, doesn't mean you have to be alone.
College apps are actually pretty similar to horror movies (in case you haven't picked up on my overuse of this cheesy metaphor that I came up with) in the fact that they're easier with a good support system. And just like horror movies are beginning to grow on me, so is the idea that I'm one step closer to my dreams, that my dreams don't necessarily have to be a specific school, and that wherever I end up is where I'm meant to be.
How was that for spooky and philosophical?
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